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Here is the second of an occasional series of musings from Rob Jones at All Plants North.

Fake news and fibs…

Let’s say it’s New York in the 70’s – a place and time when the following story has the slim possibility of being true:- two grizzled cops under pressure to improve crime clear-up rates hit upon a genius idea.

Apparently, so it goes, when interviewing (presumably not so sharp) local hoods they would place an upturned metal colander on the suspects head before questioning. The colander was connected by wires to state of the art technology, a fax machine. Answers given would then be checked by pressing the COPY button in order to print out the already prepared message – IT’S A LIE. 

True or not, it doesn’t really matter, but I can appreciate the notion of making life a little easier for yourself by cutting a few corners. Ok, if a jobs worth doing and all that but if you can reduce some of the stress surely that’s got to be a good thing. That’s why they invented microwaves. And ironless clothing. To my mind anything that reduces the drag factor is worth considering at least and probably the delivery cost. Is it me or is everything just getting more complicated rather than simpler as promised by Raymond Baxter and Michael Rodd on Tomorrow’s World back in the day.  I thought by now we were all supposed to be putting our feet up on the sun lounger and being served lemon daiquiris by our grass-cutting robot. No sign of that happening anytime soon in our house.

Anyway, indulging in a moments escapism I was flicking through a magazine at my Mum’s house recently (don’t laugh), Homes and Gardens or some such and I landed upon a super-slick, modernist spaceship of a home on stilts. It was a bit 1970’s show home for aliens but it was so serene you had to admire it. Of course there was no sign of life to speak of, any trace of the personal had been airbrushed out. I guarantee a photoshoot in our house, even with six months prep, would include a child’s sock in every shot.

Soon enough I was floating in the indoor pool, walking barefoot across the heated, polished concrete floors and imagining myself with a coffee and the Sunday papers at that table which has never been used.

In reality the massive glazing and empty wall space would reverberate to the deafening sound of screaming under ten year-olds threatening to throw each other through a picture window. The fingerprint-covered glass complemented, in a CSI burglary scene kind of way, by dog pawprints peppering the floor.

The perfectly manicured gardens beyond exist only as a pile of rubble waiting to become a patio, just as mine is. 

Our house, in contrast, has cupboards with stuff in them that we daren’t put on display for fear of it ending up, pretty swiftly, in pieces in the bin. The little one has now learned to fib with conviction added to which we have a puppy serving as a the perfect host for blame. I feel I’m losing in a competition I entered by mistake. Anything I say is fake news or requires justifying with UN standards of evidence. 

Well things are going to change around here.

The window of opportunity may already have been and gone but I’ve got a colander and an old telephone fax machine, I’ll let you know how it goes. 

Rob Jones

All Plants North
The Farm Shop
Cracoe
North Yorkshire
BD23 6LB

www.allplantsnorth.co.uk

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